Utah: A Temperant Proposal
Wherein the Author Steps in a Hot-Take Hornet Nest
Utah is #1
Once again, US News & World Report has named Utah the #1 state in the country. Once again, every Utahn who isn’t a politician or a real estate developer (but I repeat myself) groans audibly. It seems that every time Utah gets good press another major league franchise starts eyeing property in the Salt Lake valley and the average home price goes up another 5%. The message goes out, and anyone who is dissatisfied with their own sinking state descends with a bag of cash and a bumper sticker that says “I’m one of the good Californians, you fly-over rubes.” The blue-state republican refugee means well, no doubt. Unfortunately, he usually can’t see that unless he leaves more than his state behind, he is part of the problem.
All1 of the reasons why Utah is a great place to live are downstream of its culture, of its founding people. The biggest threat to Utah’s unique culture is the overbearing US monoculture. It’s a trite observation because it’s true of so many other places. It also feels like a losing battle because not only does the threat come from infected out-of-staters, but the call is also coming from inside the house, so to speak. Hostile culture is beamed into every device in every household, where it is embraced by most. Still, it’s a hill worth dying on, because it’s the only hill we’ve got.
To resist the onslaught, one idea needs to be embraced: regional culture is good. It lets people live the way they want to live. It puts in stark contrast the drawbacks and benefits of living a certain way.
There is no avoiding cultural trade offs. You either make an effort to preserve what makes Utah the best place to live—the strong influence of the tenets of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—or you lose it. You can make Utah appealing to tech bros: it will become a little more like San Francisco. You can make Utah appealing to outdoor adventurers: it will become a little more like Colorado. You can make Utah appealing to film festivals: it will become a little more like Hollywood. Some of what they bring may be good, plenty will be bad, all of it will change the culture.
Our goal should be to make Utah a curiosity: Make Utah Peculiar Again. I want people to go home from a visit to Utah and tell their friends “Zion2 National Park was gorgeous, but… It was impossible to find an open store on Sunday. There were churches everywhere. Everyone was so friendly, it was creepy. They all have like eight kids, I swear the women are brainwashed. We couldn’t get a bad drink, let alone a decent one.”
Which brings me to my point.
A Temperant Proposal
Utah should prohibit alcohol.
This more than any other single (constitutionally compliant) measure would serve as a defiant banner of cultural identity. Let’s shock the nation. They can call us zealots, but then maybe they will think about what they can do to preserve their own cultures.
Alcohol consumption is trending down nationwide, but we don’t have to let that stop us. We are justified in saying that we are not interested in this particular vice nor any of its attendant problems.
The proposal would be costly in a number of ways, but it would likely have benefits in the housing market, reduce crime, and generally increase the quality of life for Utahns. You can’t put a price on cultural cohesion. Restoring a high-trust society is worth the trouble.
Possible Concerns
Q: Does prohibition ever work? Look at how many people use illegal drugs.
A: People do more drugs where they are legal. Have you smelled Colorado?
Q: You can’t stop people from drinking. Why even try?
A: Don’t be a quitter. The point is to make a hostile environment for undesirable behaviors. It will also add to the local mystique. The Patagonia crowd can brag about how they were able to sneak in their tasty IPA or whatever it is they drink. They can even take a picture drinking it in front of Delicate Arch and post in on Instagram to own the Mormons. Just as long as they leave afterwards.
Q: How would it work?
A: I don’t know. Off the top of my head: ban the production, sale, and importation of alcohol. Jail time for sellers. Draconian DUI laws. Fines for drinking or being drunk in public.
Q: Doesn’t the state make a lot of money from the state liquor stores and liquor licenses?
A: Hundreds of millions. A lot of it even goes to paying for school lunches for kids. Isn’t that sick? We shouldn’t have to sell out our kids’ future just to feed them lunch today.
Q: What about all the tech companies that moved here? What if they leave?
A: If happy hour is a deal breaker for them, it’s better that they leave. However, the state could offer incentives for them to stay (provided that they guarantee jobs for graduates of Utah colleges).
Q: What about all of the based conservatives that have moved to Utah in recent years? They’re better for a red Utah than the squishy Mormon leaders. Do you really want to make them feel unwelcome?
A: Yes. They can get with the program or find another place to parasitize. They need to realize that Utah is a nice place to live because of and not in spite of the people who were here before. They don’t have to come to church, but maybe they should go to the ward potluck. They’re invited.
Q: Whatever happened to the separation of church and state?
A: The state should definitely keep out of the church.
Q: This is a serious infringement on my freedom. Whatever happened to small government?
A: It didn’t work here. But I hear that they’re still trying in the 2nd best state: New Hampshire. There are some good people there. I look forward to visiting.
Q: What about ex Mormons? They have as much claim to Utah as anyone else.
A: Their mess of pottage will taste better in Boulder. They could do very well there.
In conclusion
My proposal isn’t a magic bullet. Utah has plenty of problems beyond the scope of changing demographics and culture. There are even plenty of problems with Utah culture, but we can figure out what works for us.
Finally, I know that this will likely never happen. The politicians have no incentive, and the average Utahn has a suicidal level of openness to outsiders. But a man can dream.
Well, nearly all. We can’t take full credit for the geography, but God did tell Brigham Young that this was the right place.
They will pronounce it “Zai-yawn”.